Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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