I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
