If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
