A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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