i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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