Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Randomize
