i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
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