I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
got a scholarship and a hot psych teacher. hello spring 2010
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize
