I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize
