I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
This is the high leading the old right now
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
