is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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