I wish you could order shots online.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Randomize
