i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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