Just fell off a train. Bad.
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
