They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
I just googled if crying burns calories
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
