When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Randomize
