Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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