He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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