Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Someone shattered a urinal.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
