Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
40s are totally the cure
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
