My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
