I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
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