sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
