The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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