Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
