I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Randomize
