we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
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