Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
