Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Randomize
