is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
The air was thick with penises
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
