my mouth tastes like poor choices
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
