I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
