i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
