i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
