you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
