last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
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