Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Randomize
