I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
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