i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
and she was petting her beer can
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
