Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
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