you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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