Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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