there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
I just found a bag of teeth...
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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