She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
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