i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
