I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
