Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
