So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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