Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
