i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Found the puke drawer
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Randomize
