my soul wont recognize me after tonight
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
