she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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