Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
